The Ocean Run Dry

Let me bleed.
Let me run.
Let me decide.
Let my ocean run dry.

Let me see you.
Let the day stop.
Let the rush come;
let it stay;
let me feel it.
Let me hide;
hide me.
Let me stay;
let me go;
then let me come back.

Let these words be written,
but make me speak.
Let me say what I can,
but make me say what I mean.

Let me run,
but don’t let me go;
I know you understand.
Let me doubt your love,
then prove me wrong.
Let me trust you;
don’t let me be alone.
Let me let you mean too much to me;
you can let me down,
just don’t let me go.

I’ve wanted you for so long.
Now you’re here
when I thought I would die.
Let me love you;
let my ocean run dry.

19 September 1989
Age 20

Devotion

Living for you and
through me
is my hobby;
it’s my way.

Heavy book
recounts me and
bears down
another page.

I am so sick of love.

The audience gets restless
waiting for my ring
to turn green on my finger.

This may be too much for me,
too much now.
Love is work,
and then it becomes a job.

Everything—
no less;
everything I haven’t got.

Living for you and
through me
is my hobby;
it’s my way.

Heavy book
recounts me and
bears down
another page.

I am so sick of love.

25 April-17 July 1990
Age 20

Ice River

Bitten
all the pain of bloodshed
standing still alone
Pyre
by the river
trying to push winter away

By the river
she is alone
on the bank of the river

Crying
she read the letter aloud
I’m sorry I left you.
We
could have been so good
if only I loved you.

By the river
she is a loaded gun
frozen
to the bank
of the river

Ice hard as the sun
cold as a diamond
River hard as ice
slow as her heart beats

Eternal
she watches the ice
standing still alone
Pyre
by the river
burning in vain

By the river
she is a loaded gun
she is alone with her gun
frozen to the bank of the river

15 November 1989
Age 20

Calling You Quickly

I hear dull roaring
The quickest way is waterfall
Calling you, calling you
Shall I wonder? Shall I wonder?
I’m calling you, calling you

In this defense I am calling you
Shall I wonder? Is it just the way I am?
Is that roaring still in the distance?
Shall I wonder if it’s the way home?
Calling you, calling you

On the way down…Not all the way down
Did you hear me…Did you even listen?
Calling out to you
Will you come to me
Like the world stopped still?
Calling out to me
Call to me

What took you, were you tricked in the night?
Enticed and stolen from your broad daylight?
Weeds of desperation, and I wonder

I hear the roaring, come quick the waterfall
Shall I wonder? Blank haze of distance
On the way down, not all the way down
Did you hear me, did you even listen?
Calling you, I’m calling you
Shall I wonder, am I calling the right name?

Were you tricked in the night?
Enticed from the right?
Stolen from your broad daylight?
I need your daylight

I have feedless desperation
But I need your desperation
Won’t you feed this desperation
Come on feed this desperation
I need peace in desperation
I need peaceful desperation
Take a piece of desperation
Feed and feed on my desperation
Or stop the world in desperation

30 December 1988
Age 19
[Note: I was apparently inspired by U2's "Bad," but, unlike Bono, had trouble thinking of a word to rhyme with "desperation."]

Endless End

Now I’m at the beginning;
again, I am beginning.
I always start to say—
but I can’t say it right away,
and I’m beginning to fear
an endless end.

I try to rest when I sleep
and survive when I’m awake;
I don’t know what else to do:
this is an endless end.

My heart is empty
no matter what I do;
this day will end,
and tomorrow will just be another
to get through.

I don’t know but to fear;
this is an endless end.

I’ve dug myself into myself for years;
I know what is wrong,
what is right,
and why,
except I don’t trust myself.

Here is the end of another day.

17 April 1990
Age 20