Limbo (Sunday Blues)

Somehow, I’m weightless
and not for real
with exaggerated claims
of what’s mine.

Bent, turned, torn,
I’m not yet healed,
but how am I injured?
Wings that have never grown can’t be broken.

Burning in Sunday blues,
vomiting happiness like poison.
I’m still in Limbo,
in resembled darkness.

My wings grow,
stretch
beyond my flesh,
Pain is medicine.

The past has passed.
Former saviors have become mortal.
Torments I nourished starve.

But Sunday blues return:
happiness is just poison.
I’m still in Limbo.

16 December 1990
Age 21

Endless End

Now I’m at the beginning;
again, I am beginning.
I always start to say—
but I can’t say it right away,
and I’m beginning to fear
an endless end.

I try to rest when I sleep
and survive when I’m awake;
I don’t know what else to do:
this is an endless end.

My heart is empty
no matter what I do;
this day will end,
and tomorrow will just be another
to get through.

I don’t know but to fear;
this is an endless end.

I’ve dug myself into myself for years;
I know what is wrong,
what is right,
and why,
except I don’t trust myself.

Here is the end of another day.

17 April 1990
Age 20

Christmas Promise

Christmas is gone again
like another hotel guest,
and with it went
the brilliant revelation I hoped
would unchain me.
I stalked and hovered,
but when I finally pounced,
I fell upon nothing
once again.

My hopes made a Christmas promise to me
that happiness and togetherness would prevail
over desolation and loneliness,
in honor of and beyond
The Season.

A promise never kept;
I fell for it again.

26 December 1990
Age 21

Heart of Stone and Gold

Pieces of the story
Pieced together
Find the daydream
Pieced together in her sleep
She screams for a drug

Awakened by the wind
With nothing in her hand
She stands atop the wall
Feels the water breathe
Cold

She dreams of the water and its crashes
She dreams of a heart of stone and its abrasive kiss
And falls to sleep again with nothing

Awakened by the wind
With nothing in her hand
She touches the water,
Breathing heavy
Cold

She dreams of the water and its crashes
She dreams of a heart of gold marred by every kiss
But falls to sleep again with nothing

Time wasted
She comes to the shore
And stands by the edge
She stands strong but the ground is shaking
The water crashes, cold
She stands by the edge
She stands strong but the ground is shaking
She stands strong but the ground is shaking

When she dreams, she dreams of the heart of stone
When she dreams, she dreams of the heart of gold
She tries to piece together a heart of stone and gold
But falls to sleep again with nothing

Pieces of the story pieced together,
find the daydream pieced together in her sleep

28 October 1987
Age 18