Entries categorized as ‘isolation’
Bitten
all the pain of bloodshed
standing still alone
Pyre
by the river
trying to push winter away
By the river
she is alone
on the bank of the river
Crying
she read the letter aloud
I’m sorry I left you.
We
could have been so good
if only I loved you.
By the river
she is a loaded gun
frozen
to the bank
of the river
Ice hard as the sun
cold as a diamond
River hard as ice
slow as her heart beats
Eternal
she watches the ice
standing still alone
Pyre
by the river
burning in vain
By the river
she is a loaded gun
she is alone with her gun
frozen to the bank of the river
15 November 1989
Age 20
Categories: desperation · isolation · lovesickness
I hear dull roaring
The quickest way is waterfall
Calling you, calling you
Shall I wonder? Shall I wonder?
I’m calling you, calling you
In this defense I am calling you
Shall I wonder? Is it just the way I am?
Is that roaring still in the distance?
Shall I wonder if it’s the way home?
Calling you, calling you
On the way down…Not all the way down
Did you hear me…Did you even listen?
Calling out to you
Will you come to me
Like the world stopped still?
Calling out to me
Call to me
What took you, were you tricked in the night?
Enticed and stolen from your broad daylight?
Weeds of desperation, and I wonder
I hear the roaring, come quick the waterfall
Shall I wonder? Blank haze of distance
On the way down, not all the way down
Did you hear me, did you even listen?
Calling you, I’m calling you
Shall I wonder, am I calling the right name?
Were you tricked in the night?
Enticed from the right?
Stolen from your broad daylight?
I need your daylight
I have feedless desperation
But I need your desperation
Won’t you feed this desperation
Come on feed this desperation
I need peace in desperation
I need peaceful desperation
Take a piece of desperation
Feed and feed on my desperation
Or stop the world in desperation
30 December 1988
Age 19
[Note: I was apparently inspired by U2's "Bad," but, unlike Bono, had trouble thinking of a word to rhyme with "desperation."]
Categories: desperation · isolation · lovesickness
Now I’m at the beginning;
again, I am beginning.
I always start to say—
but I can’t say it right away,
and I’m beginning to fear
an endless end.
I try to rest when I sleep
and survive when I’m awake;
I don’t know what else to do:
this is an endless end.
My heart is empty
no matter what I do;
this day will end,
and tomorrow will just be another
to get through.
I don’t know but to fear;
this is an endless end.
I’ve dug myself into myself for years;
I know what is wrong,
what is right,
and why,
except I don’t trust myself.
Here is the end of another day.
17 April 1990
Age 20
Categories: angst · depression · isolation
Christmas is gone again
like another hotel guest,
and with it went
the brilliant revelation I hoped
would unchain me.
I stalked and hovered,
but when I finally pounced,
I fell upon nothing
once again.
My hopes made a Christmas promise to me
that happiness and togetherness would prevail
over desolation and loneliness,
in honor of and beyond
The Season.
A promise never kept;
I fell for it again.
26 December 1990
Age 21
Categories: depression · isolation · loneliness
Pieces of the story
Pieced together
Find the daydream
Pieced together in her sleep
She screams for a drug
Awakened by the wind
With nothing in her hand
She stands atop the wall
Feels the water breathe
Cold
She dreams of the water and its crashes
She dreams of a heart of stone and its abrasive kiss
And falls to sleep again with nothing
Awakened by the wind
With nothing in her hand
She touches the water,
Breathing heavy
Cold
She dreams of the water and its crashes
She dreams of a heart of gold marred by every kiss
But falls to sleep again with nothing
Time wasted
She comes to the shore
And stands by the edge
She stands strong but the ground is shaking
The water crashes, cold
She stands by the edge
She stands strong but the ground is shaking
She stands strong but the ground is shaking
When she dreams, she dreams of the heart of stone
When she dreams, she dreams of the heart of gold
She tries to piece together a heart of stone and gold
But falls to sleep again with nothing
Pieces of the story pieced together,
find the daydream pieced together in her sleep
28 October 1987
Age 18
Categories: depression · isolation
